![]() ![]() If all of that wasn't damning enough, then perhaps the fact that we spent around five hours playing this game, and in that time, unlocked the entire island and almost all of the in-game achievements should be enough to tell you that you'd be better off spending your cash on a printed-off screenshot of Animal Crossing, because at least then it would look nice. There is both a 'physical' shop with daily items, and a full in-menu shop of all the items in the game, the latter of which almost completely defeats the point of the former. The category "VIP Only!" implies that there's some kind of ranking system in this single-player game, but it's clearly just been left in from a version of the game that has real currency, which you would use to buy these items. Categories for furniture and clothing range from "Equipment" and "Seats" to "Stripy Stuff" and "Your Style?", which is just a load of fruits, for some reason. The other freemium hangover is the shop system, which is disorganised in the way a bomb site is disorganised. What's more, there's not much to do with the plants beyond selling them, and using the money to buy outfits for your cube-headed character, who lumbers around the world like a drunken teen wearing treacle-filled trousers. You'll have to water the plants (even the trees) to ensure that they keep growing, and although it rains roughly every 15 minutes, the rain apparently doesn't water the plants for you. Every plant, from trees to flowers, is on a timer - sometimes an hour, sometimes longer - which limits your play significantly. Outside of decorating your house and avoiding the cheery villagers, you can tend to plants in Castaway Paradise, which is one of the areas where its freemium origins are still poking out like leg hair through tights. There's an unnerving feeling that you're living in a simulation, accompanied by robots who've accidentally had their Perkiness Meter turned all the way up to eleven. ![]() They have little to say, but they'll take five minutes to say it all the same, and they'll wave at you every time you walk past, even if you literally just spoke to them. Speaking of characters, Castaway Paradise is full of wide-eyed anthropomorphic townsfolk who dole out chores and fetch quests with the gusto of a parent trying to make their hyper toddler leave them alone for a few hours. Indeed, when the entire island is unlocked, you'll notice that it's very, very small, and you'll hardly earn anything new for your efforts beyond a couple of new characters and buildings, which don't do much anyway. It feels less like progress, and more like someone snatching away new content for you so you don't eat it too quickly and realise how little substance there is to the game. Likewise, the island itself is partitioned by gateways that have been placed very deliberately in the way, and you have to remove the obstacles before you can gain access into new areas. ![]() Captured on Nintendo Switch (Handheld/Undocked) In Castaway Paradise, your house is huge from the start, but most of the rooms have been literally roped off, and you have to earn access to the rooms that you already own. ![]() In Animal Crossing, your tiny starter house can be added to, with new rooms, a basement, and a second story. An early example is the house that your character can build for themselves, and decorate if they see fit. It may seem like low-hanging fruit to criticise the narrative flimsiness of a gentle life simulator, but Castaway Paradise is full of design decisions that beg the question "but why?". In Castaway Paradise, apparently the villagers are fine with an empty museum, and a bank that they never use. There's a distinct lack of narrative reasoning given for these buildings existing but not being in use - to use Castaway Paradise's own comparison, Animal Crossing: New Horizons at least explains that the island was deserted before you got there, and you have to install a museum and shops yourself. On the island, you'll find a museum, a bank, a shop, and a house that belongs to you, all of which need a fix-up. It's up to you to restore it to its former glory, although the villagers seem pretty content to live in this trashpile, continuing to assert that it is, in fact, a utopia, even as broken umbrellas keep washing up on the shores. Littered with trash, broken-down buildings, and gigantic-headed villagers that seem to do little in life other than waving at you every single time you break their eyeline, the island is in desperate need of a facelift. The island upon which Castaway Paradise takes place is far from the paradise it claims to be. ![]()
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